Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dear Darling Cannibal Child of Mine,

I never thought I'd be having this talk, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't seem to have a firm grip on the words I'm about to say to you. You aren't in trouble. Yet.

You see, there are some things that aren't meant to be taken literally. You couldn't possibly know this yet, but when you hear phrases such as "those pudgy baby cheeks look like a tasty snack!" or the classic line from Where the Wild Things Are, "I'll eat you up I love you so," aren't meant to imply that humans are part of a complete breakfast.

This is just the first of many social lessons we'll teach you. Trust me, I don't mean to cramp your style or repress your personality. By all means, be yourself!... but keep in mind that we're not living in Germany where cannibalism is specifically not illegal.

Also keep in mind that this isn't just a social lesson. In years past, regular old boring diseases were worry enough to reasonably justify the practices of hand-washing and covering ones mouth when one coughs. Unfortunately for you, being born into an amazingly modern generation, you will see insane technological advancement that your Grandma would call "Harry Potter magic" but it will be tempered with the evolution of disease. H1N1 is scary now, but who knows what kind of black-magic plagues might be widespread when you yourself have a 19-month old daughter. Taking a cautionary approach is never a bad idea. Lunging into people's faces to lick them isn't one such approach.

I hate to break it to ya, kiddo.

If not to spare yourself from the social awkwardness of being a 50-year woman who is notorious for her kinder-essen diet (baby gobbling), please restrain yourself if for the germs alone.

It might be a difficult adjustment at first; you'll have times when the desire to slobber all over Daddy's scratchy cheek or bite Mommy's knee will overwhelm you. We sympathize and will work with you to make your normal dinner more appetizing now that your strong preferences have been made clear. We're just thankful not to have breastfed you.

We love you. We also love our elbows. We'd prefer not to choose between the two, is all.

Mommy & Daddy

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